What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
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Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?