When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I know
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight