wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
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Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!