Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
the short answer to this question
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Doggies just call it style.