TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
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Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites