ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
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every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.