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Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
NASA has no chill
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.