I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
You Might Also Like
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
😂😂😂
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”