My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Otters see a butterfly.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
not seeing the problem
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.