Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
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I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Finally, an explanation.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?