Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Why soy sad?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.