[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube