ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
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Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.