OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
You Might Also Like
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!