What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Husband of the year 😂
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.