Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate