“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Black Friday “markdowns” like
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?