My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
the simulation is moving too fast
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.