[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
we’re dead?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.