Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble