I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.