Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Employees must applaud the planets.