I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*bites zombie*
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.