Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
these two trucks have the same bed length
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir