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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO