My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
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Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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