I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?