I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
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ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef