[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
be careful
12653.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.