Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Thoughts
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.