The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Risking my life for fun.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story