Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
What a year we’ve had this week.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?