“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
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I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
how was your vacation
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.