Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
umm…
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.