It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Lol
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.