Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it