“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him