Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there