“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.