So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
You Might Also Like
Animal poetry
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
2022 be like
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.