Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
my first dose meeting my second
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that