The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
monday
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
When someone trying to leave me
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself