The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?