Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
welp
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower