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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU鈥橰E NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I鈥檓 a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I鈥檝e just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don鈥檛.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She鈥檇 be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 馃槈
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Trump: 馃幎 Do you wanna build a snowman? 馃幎
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 馃幎 Ok byeee 馃幎
Ferrari squats
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
cop: if i were you i wouldn鈥檛 leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Don鈥檛 ring my doorbell unless you鈥檙e accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn鈥檛 just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn鈥檛 let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don鈥檛 want children.
[looks up from laptop while updating r茅sum茅]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?