Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Lube but for my dry humor.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.