Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
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Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
A bold strategy
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?