What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone