Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I bet birds love this building.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Eat…
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?