Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I have no passwords left in me
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”